i think you are the fucking antichrist

2005-03-24T21:46:00.000-05:00

what makes people happy.

i don't understand it. i never did. sometimes i understand simple, stripped down pleasures. the way grass smells. the clarity of fresh lemonade. the color of insect wings. of course tell this to someone other than an entomologist, and they look at you like you just sprouted extra limbs. what most people love, i don't seem to love. i've struggled with this. i don't give a fuck about "partying". if i never got stupidly drunk again, i wouldn't miss it. and the fascinating world of drugs just falls flat. i still enjoy sex, but completely differently than i did as a younger woman. i still feel like a complete alien around 80 percent of people. it seems like i'm on some quest right now to understand why this is. i hope i start to get it eventually. it's annoying. fuck fitting in, that's never happening. but getting my own story straight is another thing entirely.

the repair of my friendship with Shadow is something i'm feeling really good about right now, not to mention a major indicator to me that that bastard energy called Karma really does exist. i feel rewarded for the improvements i've made in my life, and it seems great things are coming naturally. letting go of the parasitic relationship with Jonathan seemed somehow to make room for another person to hold the love i wasted on him. and no where i am. amazing.

2005-03-21T14:05:00.000-05:00

fucking jesus christ on a stick

i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm tired. i can't sleep enough. i cant't rest. i can't breathe.
this shit drives me crazy. i can't take the dead weight of my own being. it's overwhelming. i don't know how to do it but i have to get away from myself.

2005-03-10T20:57:00.000-05:00

Ambiguities

The truth is, I just don't trust people. Not really. I've been a shitheaded person already in the past. I know how they think and what kind of things they do. In essence, my core person is very sweet and means directly what I say. I get pleasure out of simplicity. That I know I can rely on. However, I have absolutely no idea what it is that other people want. So, for the most part, when a person approaches me and asks for something or is friendly, I would like to believe that they are as sincere or straightforward in intent as I would be myself. I know this is usually not true. So, I proceed, but with some caution.

I'm so tired today. I forgot to take my antidepressants for 4 days. I don't know how I managed to do that. Then yesterday I realized my mood was careening all over the place and that I felt irritable and fearful and all kinds of weird displaced emotions. It sucks. I wish I didn't have to take medicine to be normal. Then again, who really is ever normal, I guess. I don't know what I want right now. I want to be curled in a little warm ball in bed, but that's more or less all I know.

2005-03-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

down the tube

if you had asked me anytime in the last year, i would have told you that i hate television. and it's true. for the most part i hate general programming with every avaliable fiber of my being. i hate the way most television scripts human life, i hate being talked down to, and i hate being powersold crap that confirms my role in the universe as a brainless consumer. sure, there's smart shows out there. but then there's the other frusterating thing-trying to wrap your life schedule around a specific night and time so you can see your favorite show. i just can't pencil that in regularly enough to make it a habit. and so there you go.

however. i met my beloved in October of last year and not soon after i met the cast of Queer as Folk and fell in love with them too...marking the first time in years (since X Files!) that i have loved an ongoing story and characters so much that i wanted to see every episode. i'm still pleasantly surprised by how much the stories capture my interest and emotions. and best of all, it's all on dvd-meaning i can watch it whenever i please!

now up to speed with that series (waiting for the release of season 4 on dvd), Judson suggested Six Feet Under-a show I knew I had been meaning to see but couldn't remember specifically why it was flagged for my *need to see this* list. and once again i am totally drawn in. differently than i was by QAF, though-it was as if when watching, i felt suspended in moments of time in my life, and my heart felt as a single finger touched it directly, causing the gentlest ache. i went to read about it and remembered what it was that had put it in my mental file in the past: Alan Ball wrote it, the writer who wrote American Beauty. i find it remarkable-not only that he could write the most humanly essential film i have loved in the last decade, but he could somehow communicate it *again* through a completely different type of story. yet the underline of energy is still there. i hate to go on about something as simple as a television show-something i am talking about as if it should have a great deal more importance. in my life though, it seems more and more that it's assembled of simpler and simpler things, and that that makes it happier than any complexity i might have sought happiness in previously.

2005-02-27T14:14:00.001-05:00

It's amazing what a single sentence can do.

2005-02-26T17:10:00.000-05:00

stabilizing

Today was the first day I haven't felt like throwing up in the past 4 days. It's nice to start to feel normal again after a point of crisis. It makes me appreciate my normal state, something I usually take for granted. I got to spend some quality time with Stacey today and that was something I had really been wanting. There's actually been some very positive things surfacing in my life right now that are making me feel really good.

I went and saw Interpol at Twiropa last night. The show was amazing and I got to hang out with Susan and Nick, her new boyfriend. I haven't seen my best friend with a guy who really liked her and had no problem showing it in a long, long time...if ever at all. She has a beautiful, rich smile which I rarely get to see so genuinely. It was really something to get to see that again.

I'm preparing to make the biggest change I have ever made in my life: where I'm living. Leaving New Orleans is something I've often thought about, but was always intimidated by. Now I'm starting to feel excited. This is a huge step for me-I feel as if I'm casting off major weight by being able to feel this way about something as big as what I am going to do. I remember how at peace I felt in California, and how amazing it was to me to be in the pulse of life around me-completely different than anything I'd ever felt here.

At work I'm feeling several different things. One is a level of affection with my coworkers I haven't felt since I worked for Pottery Barn. The other is a better ability to interact with people. Oakley is a lot less formal than my past jobs and seems to fit my personality better than any other place I have worked.

I so enjoyed a simple bath and some reading time to myself tonight.

2005-02-24T18:15:00.000-05:00

I question my own strength. I've spent years questioning it. I've thought about it, written about it, dreamed about it, tested it, pushed it, and strove to produce more of it again and again. I know that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't believe in running from things, and have hung in there far more than I should have in many past situations. There's been a lot of times I haven't been as strong as I've wanted to be, and each one etches itself in my mind as a lesson on how to improve who I am becoming.

That being said, I find myself now at a point in my development where I am being hit very hard with more or less every emotion that has ever lain below my surface. The biggest of these is a core of fear centered around abandonment and loss. I've never, until now, realized how strong this mark is that was made, or how much power it wields in my adult life. I don't want to hold this like a talisman. I do believe it is true that life is impermanent and that all things end, and I want to be able to make peace with these cycles, rather than struggle against them.

Also a much stronger instinct than I originally realized, the need to protect myself is almost as knee-jerk as my feelings about abandonment. I've long moved through my life with my inner self laid out like the pages of a book laying open on a table. Many people have warned me to the danger of this method. I find I have no other natural way of approaching life and expressing myself; to reserve anything would make me feel caged. The only time this changes is when I feel I could be at some risk to be badly hurt. It pains me to feel the reaction: my softness turning steel in a matter of moments. I can't describe the sensation of barrenness it leaves behind. Only that I never want to have to react this way, and I'm afraid it's this emotion that swallows people and leaves only their cold shells behind.

I'm afriad tonight and I've been afraid lately, of losing the things that matter to me most. Another thing I'm always afriad of is by being myself, I lose others. By being real, I lack tact, and sometimes I explode with too much emotion, and people have had it. I couldn't overcome my fear on this one. I did try to swallow it, to beat it away, whatever I could do. But I got worn down.

I might open myself up right away, but it takes a long time for me to relax enough to feel the ground is solid beneath my feet. After it's solid, I can take a lot, but before....I often think about the maddest possible events going down, and sometimes irrational ones, and it's more than likely I stress myself and waste my energy. At the same time, people have done things so shocking and so far outside who I thought they were that a part of me wonders: do all people have that ability-to suddenly transform into someone *completely* incomparable to the person you knew, or worse, loved?

2005-02-19T23:58:00.000-05:00

it's official

i'm too old to stay up late and go to work early.
tried it last night/today and failed miserably.
this has been a craptacular week. i've been feeling physically shitty.
my work life has gone through total weird upheaval.
emotionally i feel weak and shattered. i'm tired of not being able to let go of past bitternesses.
i hate what i see in the mirror.
i feel disconnected, heavy as lead, dragging behind.
Mentally it's all fog.

2005-02-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

jesus i want to fuck this band

oh my god. they fucking rock so hard. my brain hurts.

http://www.thedears.org/

March 18th at The Parish. Can't WAIT.

2005-02-12T01:07:00.000-05:00

im not lame anymore. yay!

so i went to Adrianna's housewarming party tonight with Susan, and was feeling considerably less boring. it was really nice to be welcomed by people and have a good time just hanging out. i was totally content with the evening in general and my lone bitch was that i wasn't going to get to see Connor at all because of his shooting schedule. so i'm sitting there, chatting with people, and i look up and Josh is walking through the door. conspiring motherfuckers! i was floored and overjoyed. apparently everyone knew but me. and for once i don't mind being completely duped. who's have thought there could be good duping. i'll be damned. now i'm looking forward to an even better weekend than i already had in mind. and for a change my wardrobe is going to get worn and worn well. yay!

i have work at 10 am and know i need to unwind and go to sleep. i'm sitting a room away from bed and from him. and randomly it strikes me how amazing that is. when i sleep tonight i sleep next to the most wonderful man i've ever known. and he wants to sleep next to me. it awes me. i recollect so clearly every guilty twinge i had during every relationship i was ever involved in, that i still hadn't found quite what i was looking for. and after so many years of looking and hoping and experiencing, it suddenly was just there. it was really that simple. the long pale limbs lying in the bed right on the other side of the wall. the imperfect and yet so perfect smile.

2005-02-10T10:40:00.000-05:00

uck

In the dream I had 5 minutes before I woke up, I was having sex with an ex boyfriend in a school. It was dark. After it was over I got up to try to find a bathroom. As I did I realized I had done something wrong. When I got back to him, I told him I couldn't be his girlfriend. "Why not?" he said, getting upset. "Now you can break up with Connor and start living a normal life again!" I got upset. I said I was going to walk home. At this point the school this had taken place in "became" the Municipal Auditorium in Chalmette, which is not far from my parents house. I walked outside. The wind was blowing hard against the direction I needed to go in. At this point I was starting to cry from fear because I knew he was following me and was very angry. I ran down to the side of the road. With the wind holding me back I knew he would catch me, so I stuck my thumb out in hopes of being picked up by a driver. A woman walking by the road said to me, "Why are you hitchhiking? That's dangerous." And I replied, "I'm being followed by an ex boyfriend, I'm afriad." She immediately took my hand and we ran across the street. We ended up in a building which was thin and tall and instead of steps seemed to have gigantic blocks positioned in a spiral so they could be climbed. She pushed me up there to the top, where there was a narrow window. "Do you see him?" she asked. At this point I woke up.

Someone told me that these dreams are simply bits and pieces of real life, reordered by the unconscious brain. If I look at it that way, I see where the individual pieces came from. I have a visit to Chalmette on friday, Connor's film shoots in Chalmette today, last night the wind was blowing very hard outside the window, etc. Still, I always wake up feeling disgusted, and it takes me a while to shake it off. Bleh.

2005-02-10T01:05:00.000-05:00

wheeee

I AM: more thinky than I ever should be.
I WANT: to be something I'm proud to tell other people about.
I HAVE: something amazing.
I WISH: I could become more relaxed and less analytical.
I HATE: untruth.
I FEAR: never amounting to anything
I HEAR: the lovely swells of wind outside the window
I SEARCH: for something never clear to me
I WONDER: why the world is crammed with so many douchebags
I REGRET: not seeing what was right in front of me.
I LOVE: so much my heart strains it's own boundaries.
I ACHE: with possibility
I ALWAYS: find something to worry about
I AM NOT: a people person.
I DANCE: until my limbs shake with joy.
I SING: and it makes me feel amazing release.
I CRY: often.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: reliable.
I WRITE: less than ever.
I WIN: when I conquer my own failings.
I LOSE: when I've disappointed myself.
I CONFUSE: myself trying to clarify thoughts
I NEED: assloads of money
I SHOULD: start working out
YOU KEEP A DIARY: as if it was my best friend. Or I used to.
YOU LIKE TO COOK: I'm learning.
YOU HAVE A SECRET: I'm too loudmouthed to keep any.
YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE: oh yes.
CLOSEST FRIEND: My mother.
THE PERSON THAT KNOWS THE MOST ABOUT YOU: Susan and my mom are tied on this one.
THE LAST IMAGE/THOUGHT YOU GO TO SLEEP WITH: his smile.
GET MOTION SICKNESS: i vomit at the thought of a rollercoaster.
THINK YOURE A HEALTH NUT: ha.ha.ha.
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: mostly.
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: very much.
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: espresso brown
EYE COLOR: green/blue
BIRTHPLACE: New Orleans, Louisiana

favorite..
NUMBER: i dont have one.
COLOR: green.
DAY: days i dont work
MONTH: October
SONG: depends on mood
FOOD: sushi
SEASON: spring
SPORT: fucking
DRINK: water
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: cant we merge these somehow?
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: hot choco
DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: white Chocolate
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: Vanilla

2005-02-09T14:26:00.000-05:00

Something is up with me. Or rather, isn't.
I feel like I'm at my most boring.
Not boring to other people (I don't give a shit if other people think I'm boring), but boring to myself. I'm in a bit of a rut.
I just feel like I'm dragging a lot.
Don't really have energy.
For the first time in my life I think that all the thinking and analyzing I'm doing is hurting me instead of benefitting.
That's all for now. I need to come up with something here.

2005-01-30T11:52:00.000-05:00

passage

I couldn't figure out where this mood came from last night. I got home from work and it seemed to come on out of nowhere-this irritable unhappiness. There were plans to go out and I didn't want to go at all. My whole life, I've enjoyed the ritual of putting together fun outfits, going out, dancing and being with people. And then last night I found myself having this blurred reaction-something I didnt't even recognize.

I started to try to pull it apart. I realized that this is change. That the way it had always been was not the way it would always be. My self esteem is down. I had a lot of years of looking good and not trying. Now I wonder if I took it for granted. My body has changed and with it a lot of my sense of self. And it infuriates me because I percieve being bothered by the body as a very shallow thing. Who I am is incomparable to what I look like, but this doesn't carry the weight in my emotions. I don't see myself as attractive as a whole anymore.

I'm also aware of being a different person than I was in my early twenties. In most aspects this is a positive thing, because I like who I've become. I wanted to get rid of bad qualities and I did. I still have more left I hope to dissolve. The only thing is, with youth there's some measure of passion for life that isn't beaten down yet. And more than anything now I see my own scars. Perhaps that's a craving for innocence again, I don't know. But where I stand now I don't know how to find peace with certain parts of the past. It seems that time and distance have only buffered them so much. And above all it seems I need to forgive myself for allowing people to treat me the way they did, and that is the most shaming thing of all.

Friends have tried to reassure me on this, and as appreciated as their love and support is I've realized it doesn't make a bit of difference on the issue itself. The way I've appeared in the eyes of others has never mattered as much to me as the way I've appeared in my own eyes. So this is a matter only I can change.

2005-01-24T22:11:00.000-05:00

The holy grail of tacky shoes

I must have them.
Must, must, must.

I was looking at my boyfriend's black and white checked Vans and thinking I liked them, but I'm usually the type that wears heels. And I love 80's inspired patterns, but so much about the 80's was horribly loud and tacky. What I love about that pattern is how clean and simple it is, yet it still has the hardcore kitsch factor going on. And that's when it hit me that I need a pair of pointed toe, 4 inch spike heeled checker printed stilettos.

I've scoured the internet and found close to nothing. The closest thing I found was a checkered pair with a psychedelic, wavy look-totally not what I had in mind. I looked around a town a bit, but to no avail. I even looked on EBay...but no!

So if anyone sees anything around their part of town that sounds like it fits this description...please....PLEASE let me know. I'm willing to pay whatever price. I can't stand having a weird itch that I can't scratch, and these shoes are it.

2005-01-21T09:21:00.000-05:00

unconscious hangover

I've been feeling sleepy all the time, I think it's because I've been oversleeping a lot. I knew last night I wouldn't do that, because I had to get up for work at 8 today. Instead, my sleep was jammed with dreams, mostly disturbing. So instead of having sleep hangover, I have dream hangover. Immediate forfeit of shower because I'm too out of it to focus on washing anything.

I haven't been blogging, and it's probably unhealthy. I think I don't have anything to say, and maybe I don't a lot of the time. Unfortunately right now I can think of a few things that might be good to get out, but I don't have time and have to go to work. So, to be continued.

2005-01-09T13:24:00.000-05:00

i'm a douchebag

Who in the universe is stupid enough to mix drinks like White Russians (MILK) and Vodka Cranberry(ACIDIC JUICE)??????

You guessed it.
Uck. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

This strikes me as something Josh and I would have done(or Josh would have watched ME do, cause he's not that dumb), followed by falling out of our own shoes while trying to take them off, etc. By the way J, I have good dirt for you and will call tonight to deliver. =)

I need some quality fetal position time. Argh.

2005-01-02T13:35:00.000-05:00

get over it

i met a beautiful woman last night, and as always I felt myself shrinking. This reoccuring feeling, whenever I meet a woman I think of as a "real" woman or someone I wished I looked like, I get simultaneously angry at myself and down. I work hard to be happy in my own skin. And then this shit happens and I fall back. What the hell does the way another woman looks matter? Why should it matter to me? It wouldn't be instrumental in winning me some person I want, because I have that. It feels to me like a leftover of the desire to be every woman, everything someone would ever want, the best, the most attractive, the most intelligent. In my mind I see my 10 year old self crying because my mom had forgotten I existed and swearing to myself that I would find a way to be everything so I wouldn't be deserted again. Is that it? Still?
I feel like I've made progress on a lot of my insecurities. This is just a disappointment. As usual, my mind knows better.I know looks matter if and when you let them. I know a much more beautiful woman than myself could be a much less interesting one, and that I could have more to offer in many other ways. Regardless, I feel childish and petty and moody about this.

2004-12-28T20:53:00.000-05:00

floating

I've been realizing lately that my life has radically changed, possibly one of the biggest changes it's ever gone through. Sometimes it feels normal, and sometimes I get that weird outside "awareness" where it's as if I'm someone else looking in on my own life as if it was a story.
When you're on a boat and in the midst of a long journey, all you can do is steady yourself best you can in the waters around you, regardless of their condition, and focus on moving onwards.
I see my own life very much like this. I used to regard it as something I would "work out" and eventually come to a place of deeper calm. I wonder now if this was just idealistic thinking. Everything seems tide-like, sometimes swelling, sometimes receding. I know I for one always hoped to come to solid ground and stay there, setting up some sort of base from which all turbulences could approach me and I could be prepared for them. Sometimes, you can be prepared. But mostly you can't. No amount of worry and microscopic planning of every future moment will set it into motion the way I might hope, much less prevent life as it happens. So there is my "planned" self, hearing the argument against these thoughts that know it's more likely there's less planning and more living to do. Tenere Relinque.

I want to sink those words into my skin for life, but what is the further step to living them?
To hold on, Let go.

I visualize a self gently tethered to earth only by the thinnest line, floating.

2004-12-22T22:39:00.000-05:00

Musings on Love and The Douchebag of the Century

So not as to have to keep you in suspense, here's The Douchebag of the Century:

Douchemania

I'm sorry guy, but seriously. I loved Tron too. We all did. I mean, who could ask for more at that point in the technology-starved early 80's-computers, guys in cool suits, and rockin rad neon animations is what we all wanted. Now, loving that and treasuring it as a part of your young adulthood is one thing. Dedicating your adult life to it cracking open a new can of worms entirely. I don't know if a really hot guy could even pull this off-maybe a really hot girl, but I stress maybe. And another thing-how is it that he can still have those same glasses? Those are definately straight out of 1981-hasn't he had to update his lens prescription in the last 24 years?

*pauses to change gears*

So on that love thing. It's occured to me as of late that modern society seems hell bent on catagorizing love into two specific forms: "in" love and "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". So you're either in or you're out. This seems exceeding black and white to me to apply to one of the most complex emotions known to man. When you're in love everything is vivid and intense, and when you're out of it things are warm and gentle at best, and bleak and monotonous at worst. So why is it that we don't view a strong relationship as one that moves in cycles-first through the powerful strains of limerance, then into the comfort of trust and regular rhythm, and then even deeper and further, perhaps losing that initial searing fire but developing something else. A lot of us don't make it to this last cycle. But if we do...what's beyond it? What's the difference between being deeply attuned to someone and not being "in" love anymore? Is not being "in" love mean the relationship is over? Or is this state of loving simply a flow of the cycle, which we expect to last forever, but like most
other intense experiences, is in fact temporary? If it went on eternally, would we in fact take it for granted-don't we chase it partially because of it's elusiveness?
Obviously more and more of my life has become about questioning the things that haven't made sense to me in life about "the way things are done", and even changing the way I do them, if it seems there is a way that works for me more effectively than whatever everyone else is doing. But it also seems that more of this issue is about "the way things are thought of", moreso than the way they are done. Why do you believe the things you believe? How much of it was taught to you by rote, without you actually knowing why you know it? Followers of many religions can tell you that they love their God, but is the root of that passion simply a repeated mantra or something that's a part of their hearts?

I'm not expecting any answers to these riddles, besides whichever ones I may come up with myself. But the more I think of these things, the more I realize the infinite malleability of who and what I am.

2004-12-21T10:18:00.000-05:00

I woke up to a voice mail that made my day. It's nice to have your day made wonderful after being awake for 10 minutes.

What do I look forward to the most?
Holding his hand? The way he laughs?
The sound of his voice? The stories he has to tell?

2004-12-18T10:43:00.000-05:00

Every night now, I dream he comes home.

2004-12-17T22:20:00.000-05:00

OH FUCKING GOD

"Dead Can Dance reform, play live, in 2005.

Dead Can Dance will be touring Europe and North America in 2005.

Tickets are now on sale for the European dates, with the North American dates will take place in September 2005 being announced shortly.

This will be the first time that Lisa Gerrard and Brendan Perry have performed on the same stage together since Dead Can Dance's last tour in 1996. "

If Angelina Jolie could have sex with me during this concert, I could die absolutely and completely fulfilled.

2004-12-16T18:26:00.000-05:00

yay dreams that sketch out my insecurities

We lived in a big house. Two long parallel stretches running next to each other,different stories, but the same smooth hardwood floors as in our house in real life.
The military were surrounding the outside of the house, teeming in the street around some sort of self built fortress of barricades.
Someone said he was outside and I ran into the street, thinking it's still six days until he comes home.
He's in a black jeep that belongs to the army, driving on the right side like a british car. He's grown black facial hair-a strangely trimmed goatee-and somehow he feels different, even though it;s obviously the same person in front of me.
He's not friendly and when I try to hug and kiss him he looks behind him nervously at the men in the street, as if there would be a problem if they saw him.

2004-12-15T11:14:00.000-05:00

I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around disappears

Just you and me
on this island of hope
a breath between us could be miles

Let me surround you
my sea to your shore
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

Oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

And I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

Oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

And I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you.

-Sarah McLachlan

2004-12-12T22:29:00.000-05:00

warm

you sound far
away and in fact
you are
it's strange this space between you and i
where usually we are tied so closely.
i have less to say.
absorbed back, simplified, listening to you
existing in another place and myself here

not the recognizable pain of missing a presence
or the sensation of fracture

but something unknown that i don't recognize

the complete absence of doubt

2004-12-04T23:38:00.000-05:00

Lately I haven't had a damn thing to say.

2004-11-30T10:43:00.000-05:00

HAHAHAHAHA

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"OH MY GOD, MY PUSSY IS A SPURTING CATASTROPHE!"
-Colette in response to how Susan must be feeling after realizing Jude Law was on her flight home

2004-11-27T18:59:00.000-05:00

Nyquil is liquified Satan

And I find, it fucks me up every bit as bad as it used to when I was a kid.
Almost a full day later and I'm completely fucked up. And I dreamt Connor was Wolverine. Whoa.

Not too much to expound on here. I'm finding words limiting me these days.

Tonight is Connor's last night DJing at The Dervish. I'm expecting to go out and have an awesome time with my friends and celebrate all the wonderful times I ever had there. It's been really nice to enjoy dancing again after so many years of not doing it.

I'm back to working weekends. No more 7 am mornings. Thank fucking God.
Thinking a lot about my first paycheck. w00t!

2004-11-24T13:40:00.000-05:00

JOSH, RYAN, JEN AND AZINE COMING TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

It's gonna be an amazing weekend. I can't wait.

Worked my first shift at Oakley last night. I had that sort of have-no-idea-what-i'm-doing feeling, but it's ok. I think I'm learning to rest in those kinds of feelings a little more comfortably than I used to. I'm sad about leaving my other work for a lot of reasons. This morning they cooked a "Thanksgiving breakfast" for us (meaning my boss was in the kitchen making pancakes herself) and we all sat together eating and drinking Mimosas. I really love the people I've worked with at this job. I'm feeling a little resistant, obviously, but that's ok. I think I can flow with that for the moment.

Ugh-I'm having a conversation that totally frustrates me with people's complete fucking stupidity. More later.

2004-11-19T17:17:00.000-05:00

I RULE

I did it! I have a new job-my first assistant manager position!
I interviewed with Oakley Inc. per the phone call I got a few days ago from them seeing my resume on Monster.com. The interview rocked! Not only are the money and the benefits great, but they're a very edgy organization and totally encourage me to show my tattoos and dress how I want for work. The company is medium sized now, with plans to expand over the next three years. I am really excited and happy. No more money fears, no more insurance stress, and no more worries about how to afford living on my own-another dream I've been wanting to make real for years.

Which brings me to my new family. Nothing in my life has ever been happier or bigger than this. Even in the short time I've spent with them, the vision of my life's possibilities has expanded tremendously. It's strange for me to look at Connor now and remember him from the past only as a guy I knew, a friend of friends, a really great DJ. Now I look at him and see the man I've wanted to know all of my life. I've never been so awarely in love. I look back to where I was in the beginning of the year and the promise I made to myself after what happened with Chris: to make a total dedication to honesty. It's close to the end of the year and my life has few if any secrets. Everything I have ever wanted to be is right now. Total authentic honesty is a major part of every day of my life and every interaction. It feels really amazing.

Going to Austin in the morning-and seeing The Faint play live tomorrow night!
What a way to celebrate :)

2004-11-19T02:27:00.000-05:00

JUDELAWOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
JUDE LAW IN PERSON IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME LIKE 10 FEET AWAY
HOLY SHIT CUMBUCKETS OF FUCK

2004-11-17T23:22:00.000-05:00

blank transmission

sometimes i just get sad.
i'm learning not to ignore these things, but not to give in directly to the knot of emotion that sits in my chest when I go through them either.
i guess i used to get wrapped up in this much more. or rather i used to really give in to it. i'm trying to fight it to some degree without disowning it completely.

on and off i've suffered from this acute sense of loneness all of my life. i wonder if i'm trying to make up for the little girl i remember who was not only *not* wanted, but specifically unwanted. there seems to be an underlying quest to be wanted genuinely by people, rather than wanted for surface reasons.

lately writing feels useless. i feel like i'm not accomplishing anything.

2004-11-16T16:37:00.000-05:00

and the little monster grumbles in the dark

so yes, essentially I found some level of solution to my problem with money. and that is a very positive thing. if it takes a few extra hours of work to earn something to pay my bills with and buy a few christmas gifts, that's a thankful thing and a lot better than contemplating the allure of exotic dancing to fix one's problems.

(for the paranoid:latter sentence is a completely sarcastic joke.)

on the other hand, there's a whining little voice inside me that says i have too much experience in the field to take some part time job that i could do blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back. it's that concept of *status* again-something i worked hard to let go of about possessions and struggled with in the past regarding jobs. and worst of all i'm allowing myself to be impatient (give me what I want NOW) and lazy (I dont want to work 8 am to 10 pm ANY day of the week!). utterly missing the point of being thankful for the oppurtunities i DO have.

in the long run, all i really want is to be paid an enormous lot of money to do something incredibly fun and non work-like, have Jude Law in my kitchen as a naked chef, and somehow build a soundproofer in my inner eardrum that transforms stupid people's conversations into Beethoven cello solos. unlike the truly greedy, i only want the simple things in life.

2004-11-13T13:11:00.000-05:00

granite

I've been thinking lately that physical beauty just doesn't have the same effect on me that it once did. When I was younger I was a lot more interested in the outer shells of people. But especially the last few years, a perfectly beautiful face just doesn't look any different from a lovely painting or a sculpture to me. Now, on the other hand, I rarely think that a person can offer me anything that I haven't seen before, so I tend to also think that no matter how pretty the face, it's likely it isn't backed up by anything very unique. A very closed way to think, I believe, and I want to change it.
So generally I've been of the mindset that for beauty to enthrall me, it has to be from a variety of different sources from the person, the physical being very little of that.
But in very rare instances, I still find myself simply mystified when meeting a person by how stupifying perfect their physicality is. I feel awed. Humbled. The desire to touch the beauty, to worship at it. And the last few times it has happened, it's always been over women, not men. Even the men who have inspired these emotions in me (such as Jude Law) have had distinctly feminine qualities of beauty.

Last night looking at Crow, absorbing her perfections and imperfections, her unapologetic volume, I definately understood I was wrong about certain concepts I have held about physicality and attraction. I can't specifically clarify here, but I feel it may open up on it's own sooner or later.

2004-11-09T19:29:00.000-05:00

OH MY FUCKING JESUS

Listening to Jonathan and where he's at blows my mind absolutely out of my skull.

I can't believe he's letting this womat treat him like this, and I know how desperate he is for attention and love, and I want to understand. I really do. I look back at when I was in a similar position, literally hovering on the edge of someone's life waiting for them to notice me and hopefully, one day, want me in any way to be a part of it all. Sure, I degraded myself and duped myself on a thousand levels. But FUCK. Seven months of dating and the girl never even told him where she LIVED. Fuck compromise. I say set her fucking car on fire.

So I get freaked and start getting really abrasive with him and telling him exactly how it is, and what I think, and he gets upset and needs to get off the phone. And I should feel bad, shouldn't I? But I don't. I wish someone had grabbed me (soonerthan they did, anyways) and said "HE IS NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU." It would have made me cry my eyes out, sure. But maybe that would have stuck with me, just by virtue of it's harshness. How can you forget something like that?

I love him so much, for reasons I know well and also for reasons I'll never be able to put to words. I'll never love him romantically again, but I feel where we are now is much deeper than that ever could have gone. And I know that what's getting in the way here is my feelings, my own rage at some dumb kid hurting someone I love so much, and I'm helpless and unable to do anything about it. I'm in the wrong in my extremity of reaction, and I know it.

This only reinforces that I would never let anybody treat me that way, now or ever again. And not only would they not treat me that way, but they'd be sent on their way with a nice piece of my mind wrapped up in Tupperware to save for later and the print of my boot nicely grooved into their ass. Enjoy life, you fucking douche!

2004-11-07T23:56:00.000-05:00

blow your heart open,
but first-
lie still. lie still.

2004-11-05T13:57:00.000-05:00

fragment

Personally it leaves me speechless to see how much of what we dream about is avaliable to us, if we can only be selfless and strong enough to reach for it.

This applies to all things.

2004-11-04T15:24:00.000-05:00

oration

i've always loved voices. they hold a power to capture a strong portion of my feelings that i'd be hard pressed to describe.
the wrong kind of voice and it's ALL wrong; but the right kind....and there's so many facets to absorb. the sounds of upset, happy, concerned, awake, half asleep, silly, sexual, excited, stressed, peaceful. the timber of the spoken word. the quality,the texture, the temperature.

that warm voice.
i sink as deep into it as i can, luxuriate in it like the warm water of a bath i've submerged myself in. i spread your voice all over my skin.

tell me anything. a hundred stories.
if i can just listen to the sound of you.

2004-11-03T11:58:00.000-05:00

GEORGE BUSH IS A FUCKING ASSHAT.

And apparently, according to electoral votes, precisely half of the country are also complete fucking asshats that don't mind if their country's primary decision maker is:
1.Unable to improve the economy
2.Always right (even if he's wrong)
3.Afriad to think any other way except what he was taught by his momma
4.Lacking in ability to complete proper sentences in public
5.A lasso swinging, yee-hawing spineless anal polyp.

If we're lucky, someone will assassinate him.
Get to it, crazies. Your assistance is needed!

2004-11-01T16:08:00.000-05:00

whiteness

as of the last few years i feel i've coped better with loneliness in general. for the most part i've been ok and not feeling bad at all.
then every once in a while, it hits me hard as lead and i feel so badly mired down i can hardly move.
all around me people are establishing their lives, their homes, their careers and futures. and i haven't. that's no one's fault other than my own. but sometimes i look at where i am and it just makes me hurt.
i wish sometimes i had had a father there to slam his fist on the table and tell me what i HAD to do. to teach me the value of striking out for myself. i remember every time i wanted to give up and my mother and grandmother there, patting my head and saying, "it's ok. you can fail. we don't mind."

sadness turns into fury then.
i make it a rule to blame no one other than myself, no matter what the circumstances.
but could you have fucking challenged me to do anything????
why did you tell me i was a good kid when i WASNT?

i don't think i'm a bad adult. but i want to be a hell of a lot more than i am now.
and all i want is to get this fear as far away from me as i can and do what i need to do. but i think i'm vulnerable in that i crave help. and i can't crave help. i sense more than ever that no matter what help friends or family lend, you have to conquer your life alone.

2004-10-30T13:34:00.000-04:00

stagnancy

I woke up this morning thinking about my old friend of 12 years and feeling something akin to pity. Perhaps inspired in part by my lack of understanding. Or maybe because I could never operate the way he operates and I'm passing judgement I have no right to pass.
Still, there's a big part of him I do care about, and it makes me sad to see that so many years have had no real change on his person. He still runs after the thrill of the chase like he did the day I met him. And sometimes I genuinely wonder if the basis of our relationship was the way I looked back then.

It all makes me a bit more happy to be me. Problems and all.

It's Halloween Eve. Tonight the streets will be full of people having a great time. I've been really looking forward to this weekend for a myriad of reasons, and now that it''s here I feel completely relaxed and at peace. A lovely silence fills my entire heart.

2004-10-27T14:35:00.000-04:00

( )

How the fuck did I get here.
The happiest time of my life personally and emotionally is matched up against the most miserable time of my life academically and careerwise.
Sure, I'll be brave about it, figure out answers, and get past it all somehow.
But I'm fucking pissed right now and I'm depressed, the first time I've been genuinely depressed in a while.
I can enroll for a full load of night classes in spring, all the while working a full time job I enjoy for money that barely gets me by. Or I can change jobs and deal with the stress of a new job during holiday time for the salary I need. Or I can end my lease next year and not get a car so I have more money to live. Or I can start looking for a night job so I can go to day classses. And then there's taking math classes again to look forward to, probably remedial ones. And on top of all those terribly appealing choices, there's the panic and fear and hopelessness I feel every time I set foot on campus.

I feel so far away from achieving anything that matters.
I feel that no matter what I try I'm not doing a good enough job.
I feel I'm tired of being shut down by fear.
I feel that I can't fight the societal standard that requires me to "be somebody" via my occupation.
I feel when I look around me that people younger than myself have succeeded and that I am failing.
I feel I deserve to know my own worth.

I feel utterly overwhelmed. And I know the only thing I can do is move into it so I can face it and eventually move past it. But right now I'm still shaking and frustrated and scared and tired.

And that's what this post is about. Not a cry for help, not a place to whine, not a feel sorry for Colette brigade. It's where I'm at and I don't want to be here. That's all.

2004-10-23T01:21:00.000-04:00

sleep. it's so overrated.

2004-10-14T01:05:00.000-04:00

Seems like a good time to go on hiatus.

Blog out.

2004-10-12T23:10:00.000-04:00

From Buddhanet.net

"If we look at our life, very simply, in a straightforward way, we see that it is marked with frustration and pain. This is because we attempt to secure our relationship with the "world out there", by solidifying our experiences in some concrete way. For example, we might have dinner with someone we admire very much, everything goes just right, and when we get home later we begin to fantasise about all the things we can do with our new-found friend, places we can go etc. We are going through the process of trying to cement our relationship. Perhaps, the next time we see our friend, she/he has a headache and is curt with us; we feel snubbed, hurt, all our plans go out the window. The problem is that the "world out there" is constantly changing, everything is impermanent and it is impossible to make a permanent relationship with anything, at all.

If we examine the notion of impermanence closely and honestly, we see that it is all-pervading, everything is marked by impermanence. We might posit an eternal consciousness principle, or higher self, but if we examine our consciousness closely we see that it is made up of temporary mental processes and events. We see that our "higher self" is speculative at best and imaginary to begin with. We have invented the idea to secure ourselves, to cement our relationship, once again. Because of this we feel uneasy and anxious, even at the best of times. It is only when we completely abandon clinging that we feel any relief from our queasiness.

These three things: pain, impermanence and egolessness are known as the three marks of existence."

Thanks to Rappidmind for the link to this excellent site. ;)

2004-10-12T16:04:00.000-04:00

boom

So if within the course of your life(which can last up to 120 years), if you ever change your mind about anything you ever thought, then that makes you a bad person?

I've been feeling the pain of guilt. An emotion I rarely, if ever, experience. And the guilt I feel stems directly from not knowing everything. From the fact that I made a mistake in choosing. So I beat myself for not seeing everything like some sort of psychic empath. Sometimes I look at a person I'm with and realize that the more I know him, the less compatible we are, the less we have in common, and the less we get along. And because I couldn't know all this in advance, then people look at me and whisper behind their hands.

Luckily I think most of the world are fucking stupid wastes of flesh anyway. My misanthropic streak is alive and kicking as always. The only opinion I need to satisfy is my own.

It hurts a lot when someone realizes they don't feel the way they thought. For both parties. The thing is, I've been on both ends before, and I have no interest in dragging it out. At one point in my life, the question I most desperately needed the answer to was: Why did it change? What did I do, what did I say?

It took a long time for me to accept that it simply just goes that way. And that it the end everything irons out.

Sometimes you do burn bridges. And sometimes watching the fire feels just fine.

2004-10-12T01:13:00.000-04:00

Apocalyptic? or just Magnificent?

I was having this vision on my drive home tonight. And it consisted of the world coming to an end, and explosions all around me and chaos and gunfire, and in the middle of all this, The Faint are playing an orgasmic set with explosions of light and color and all the pure cold rawness of their music, and I'm in a packed crowd, all of us slammed together in each other's sweat and losing our minds and forgetting our humanity and dancing while everything comes down around us.

Fucking sexy.

2004-10-11T11:58:00.000-04:00

A Vision of Polyamorous Community

"The following describes a vision of polyamorous community and ideas related to living effectively in this community.

People can feel more deeply secure in love that has no restrictions or conditions.

The primary paradigm shift which is occurring in this Information Age (in which so many vicarious experiences are available through the media) is discontentment with fantasy arising from a desire for real experience. A belief in deservedness creates the necessary readiness for manifesting authentic experience.

Spiritual practice is seen as occurring in diverse, fluid ways. Orientation and affiliation are not important. Living congruently is the central focus.

Sex is utilized for contact, expression of love, healing, relaxation, etc.

People do not own each other in any manner.

The desire to form a possessive bond arises in part from "body identification" and the ingrained belief that breeding is your path to immortality (through passing on a portion of your genes). In reality you are immortal and will stay in this form as long as is necessary for what you came here to do, and need not experience "death" as it is traditionally defined. Instead, increasing congruent experience and living in harmony with spiritual laws will help you interconnect the material and spiritual realms until they merge seamlessly.

The purpose of this community is healing, personal evolution and modeling a noncompetitive way of living.

There is no hierarchy of importance amongst members of this community or between this community and others.

Not everyone will feel interested in this vision in this lifetime. Ineffective love strategies are required until they are fully understood by the individual gaining these lessons."

-Mystic Life Publications

2004-10-11T01:32:00.000-04:00

And now, I'm socially "ruined"!
Oh dear! Whatever shall I do?
If I'm no one in the eyes of clubland New Orleans, then I must be no one at all!

JUST
LIKE
ALL
THE
REST.

A TOTAL FUCKING MISTAKE.

Anyone who tries to get past me again,
anyone who thinks they can take away any more of me
with their selfish fucking BULLSHIT,
I won't hesitate.
My tolerance is zero and my rage is beyond number.

2004-10-11T01:11:00.000-04:00

"Still my heart this moment
or it might burst."

-Lamb

2004-10-09T20:56:00.000-04:00

Laissez-moi

Lass mich alleine

Mi lasci in pace

Hottoite yo

and there are some thoughts from me.
it rained all day. luxurious, sleepy, lazy rain.
connor and i went to the film fest and saw Godzilla.
fucking hilarious. i love japan.
i love camp, screaming japanese and bad overacting.
what fun.
it's a good weekend so far.

2004-10-08T23:45:00.000-04:00

OH MY GOD IM VOMITING FROM MY FUCKING EYEBALLS

after a 14 hour day of work, im wilted, defeated and exhausted, and i call my mom to say hi and politics come up, and she says that's she voting for Bush.

and suddenly the little amount of food in my gut twists around and i have the very abrupt and violent urge to throwup all over my steering wheel.

how is it that my intelligent, soulful mother wants this fucking cowpoke douchebag to run our country for another four years? the man that admitted he lays in bed and thinks about Cat in The Hat books instead of the national deficit?

jesus. its liked being raped by a lawnmower.

2004-10-07T16:17:00.000-04:00

if was Jesus was bouncing down the street on a pogo stick, it would make more sense to me than this shit

i'm not overwhelmed, i'm not freaking out, but i do feel like the walls of my life are rapidly being bombed and crumbling like the site of a major construction.`

what the fuck. am i crazy, am i not. can i trust myself, can i not. what, what, what.

at work i'm simultaneously liking the comforts of my job and feeling like a complete failure. my salary, at my age, is completely unacceptable as far as i'm concerned. i think back to past jobs and remember being so more more physically and mentally active. i miss that so much. i hate sitting in a chair all day. sure, it feeds my laziness, but shit, i don't want to be a living human sloth. i want to experience some sense of CHALLENGE.

in school, i find addressing my fears with it have done me little to no good whatsoever. i'n not academically inclined and never have been. my family never raised me in that way, and i just don't know how to become so. for me it's not so much about what kind of money i'll make in my chosen occupation (as long as it's above the fucking poverty level i'm making now), but that i'm doing something that fulfills me personally and creatively. emotionally i love the people i'm with here. but what the fuck does that matter when paying your bills makes you want to throw yourself off a building?

in personal matters, i feel like that painting "The Scream."
the amount of emotion that's hitting me, change, passage of memories, acceptance of loss and widening of concepts and ideals...jesus fuck.
(i need a shirt that says, simply, "jesus fuck".)
it's agonizing. it's glorious. it's so scary. it's so fucking beautiful. it hurts constantly.
it's moving deeper into the unknown, and further away from anything deemed acceptable by the outside world, which is full of asshats anyway, but still you can't help but be aware of it.

i want to do something wild. not wild like drink until i vomit on tourists. maybe not even something outwardly wild. but something that makes the fire inside me burn harder. i want my embers to glow.

2004-10-05T14:42:00.001-04:00

AZINE'S COMING FOR THANKSGIVING!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

*bounces like a spaz*

2004-10-05T13:42:00.000-04:00

dream lust

Today I'm struggling and very tired.

I've spent a large portion of my time trying to know myself through writing, discussion and thought. Which is why, at this point in my life, I am scared by the concept that I may not know myself at all. I feel I can't trust myself anymore. The feelings I have now-are they genuine? Will they completely change in a month? Usually it's other people I regard with caution-I don't know how to handle questioning myself as to what seems to be real from the very source of my emotions.
I feel tremendous security in knowing who I am. I thought I knew.

2004-10-05T01:05:00.000-04:00

Douche of the Year Award

no, im not kidding. this fucking asshat actually sent this to on friendster as a real letter.

"Yeah I watch Japan films, theres a ton at the
store where i rent movies, I saw the Tiger Dragon
one, Amazing!!!! you should watch dat one, but to
warn you, a hot chinese girl jumps off cliff at
the end, I thought that was a waste. Just so you
know, Im a stud, and we could talk about Japanese
films all day long, true dat, but i hate how some
only have words to read and not hear, I breakdance
too, and thats kind of like karate, which is from
Japan. so let me know, i know you will. SHahaha."

FUCKING. DROP. DEAD. AND. DIE.
What a fucking moron.

2004-10-04T17:49:00.000-04:00

it makes you miserable seeing me happy, so you vindicate yourself by pulling something sure to make me miserable, so you can have your grim happiness.
Fine then.

2004-10-04T11:20:00.000-04:00

losing posts is
FUCKING
GAY.

2004-10-04T10:59:00.000-04:00

phew.

the weekend was indescribable. im processing so much writing is very difficult. been doing some on paper, but not as much as i'd like. it's going to take a while to extract some of what is in my head.

all i feel is that i did the right thing. and for me, that's a very big deal. i've never been able to give a hundred percent honesty, especially in such a hard situation. by doing so, i feel i've defeated the bad energy given to me by Chris. he set me an example that i hated and made me examine myself and change everything i wanted to change. im not thrilled in the way i had to show this strength, but it does make me feel better that i was completely authentic.

now i'm facing some new issues that are bigger than anything i've ever faced before. i've always known conventional life wasn't for me, but now i'm starting to get the strong urge that being a girlfriend is not a role i can play. at least not now. and i need to investigate that.

im on my own with mountains of personal stuff to sort through. but i feel ok.

josh soon. cant wait.

2004-09-30T11:46:00.000-04:00

Dreams so bad I can't bring myself to write them down. There's blood and beatings and flesh falling to the floor. I can't write down the details-I just can't.

I want to have a plainer heart today.

I bang my head against the wall trying to fit everything in it.
And I'm find that I'm a hypocrite.
Did I fail again?

2004-09-30T01:25:00.000-04:00

excerpt two

i can't make people understand the way i love.
and i can't make myself understand the way they love.
i remember as a young girl writing in my journal that i didnt know how to handle the tremendous amount of emotion i had. and the only way i could think of to channel it out of me, give me refuge from it's overwhelming energy, was to pour it into other people. i knew i had too much abundant emotion to narrowly focus it.
i remember my teenage dreams of a perfect man. and i'm happy to have let them go. i feel they limited the happiness i was seeking in a way i couldnt understand until so much later. now when i go to sleep at night, i dream of the things i'll do while i live, instead of the things he'll do for me to make me happy. and then my being is amazingly light, because it frees me to know that whatever i want is within my own grasp, right there.

i am in love with the pure freedom of wanting people, but not needing them.
as time goes on, the loneliness recedes. its a challenge every day. humans are built with need.

it's time for the fourth tattoo. there's never been a better time.

2004-09-28T01:28:00.000-04:00

in brief

the brave thing would have been the hard thing.

to come out of your shell, to dare to think, to speak, to act, to do the frightning things, the unsure things, to take the chance to trust, to feel more, break bounds, fear less.

now your shell is complete and you can sit in it, luxuriating as you turn slower and breathe more shallowly. like a pig in warm shit.

i dont even remember loving you anymore. and that's a great thing.

2004-09-27T15:35:00.000-04:00

supernova

Three days to October. I can hardly believe this. But the cool mornings thrill me.

I'm in a bad place. I'm trying to look at the pros and cons of this, hold the positive high, and be as proactive about the negative as I can.

For all the energy I've poured into knowing myself (more has gone to this than most other areas in my life, which may or may not be a good thing), it seems this is an unsurpassed ocean stretching in front of me. I have an old, small boat, but I'm afraid to get in.

I don't want to be a living amalgam of all the pain I've experienced in all my past interactions. And yet it seems somehow that's exactly what I've become. A flicker of anything that could be potentially dangerous-and this is a bigger worry than that-and all defenses go up full force. I'm aware of having made many bad decisions, and I know it's impossible not to make more. But I am trying with all my might to limit future stupid choices as much as possible. So often it's been, "Well, there's this major warning sign, but I'll hang in there and see if it gets better." Early this year I made the decision to stand up for my gut feelings rather than swallow them. Ultimately more difficult, but better in the end I feel.

This is all in conjuction with an upsurgance of self that has been struggling to come forth for some time. I've had a hard time relating to people since a very young age, resulting in my blinding inability to be reserved with my emotions when I feel a connection is being made(not to mention my gullibility This need to be understood and exchange lives is powerful. Learning to cope with not being understood-and rejected-is something everyone deals with, so I'm not trying to amplify my experiences beyond anyone else's. I know many of the ideas and opinions I hold are considered unacceptable or even offensive to other people. Now in a relationship, I'm struggling more than ever before to define my concept of love and what it means so I can stand behind it. While trying to do so something else burst forth-a tremendous amount of anger and pain that I didn't understand. All I can do at this point is speculate what it could be and where it sources from. Perhaps it's an expression of these defenses to try to protect myself from what I fear, although the extremity of the emotions is new to me and beyond my ability to comprehend at the the moment.

I have to question myself in where I stand and who this person is I become.Often I feel completely mad.

One of the keys of my life has been my desire to establish connections and still maintain my independence. My deepest points of being lost have been when I allowed who I was to be swallowed by someone or something else. Each connection I make is powerful in a different way, highlights a part of me and allows me vision. In my eyes, these are the love affairs of my life-culling the utmost passion in me, and inspiring my drive and inspiration about living. To many other people this will make no sense at all. The key for me is, allowing people who can't understand this not to. And accepting myself this way.

This is barely scratching the suface of all I need to express.

2004-09-26T17:48:00.000-04:00

morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child.
innocent, unknowing.

Winter's end
promises
of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort.

but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose here in this lonely place
tangles up in your embrace
there's nothing i like better than to fear.

but i fear i have nothing to give.

wind in time
rapes the flower trembling on the vine.
and nothing yields to shelter
from above
they say temptation will destroy our love
the never ending hunger

but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in our our embrace
there's nothing i like better than to fear.

but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose.
i have nothing to give.
we have so much to lose.

-Fear, Sarah McLachlan

2004-09-24T09:37:00.000-04:00

Sighted on the way to work this morning

A skinny tall african american man with three teeth, wearing a dirty t shirt, baggy pants, huge black sunglasses and an enormous sombrero, singing at the top of his lungs with his arms spread wide open like he was waitin' for Jesus to swoop down and take him up to heaven.
Also: 3 cars with George W stickers and a car with a yellow sticker reading "Marriage:One man, One woman" and some nice drawings of little stick people holding hands.
I seriously considered ramming this car from behind and trying to pretend like it was an accident that I mauled the bumper off.
I think these people should be tied to a chair and forced to watch hardcore gay porn while a giant muscled military general named Major Gaylord supervises and occasionally passes by to fondle the viewer's face with his large cock.
The only response I can think of for this bumper sticker travesty is to come back with one of my own. My options as I see it are:
"One man+One woman=furthering the delusions of the world's closed minded cosmic morons"
"Support love between all beings"
"If the bible says God hates sinners, they why did Jesus love a whore?"
and my personal favorites....
"I HEART ANAL SEX" and "QUEERS RULE"

Please, fucking morons of the world, get OVER YOURSELVES.
Love is love. It's amazing and wonderful in every form.
And you have no more right to be able to judge people around you than anyone else.
Of course, I'm judging you right now. But I fucking rule, so I can do that.
Please, please, please people, open your minds. There are so many ways to think other than the ways your mommy and daddy taught you.

2004-09-21T19:09:00.000-04:00

end transmission

i have some shit to work through and have decided to turn inwards for a few days.
phone's off, e mail's not being opened, etc.
be back in a few.

2004-09-20T01:15:00.000-04:00

current

i'm floating on the waves of new friendships. it's amazing. the connections i once thought would be so few and far between are falling into my lap like so many treasures.

i once struggled with friendships with women, and now my phone rings happily with their names.
elizabeth, jd, azine, jen, nancy.
i'm starting to love and trust all of you, if i dont already.
to each, a different facet of my personality is coming out.
i felt lost at one point when some friendships dissolved in my life. i tried to dig into myself and tried to get deeper, find what it was that could make me a better person. and now i feel that ive begun to tap into that, and i'm wrapped in the energy of so many dynamic people. so many different influences. i feel more alive than in a while.

the men in my life are also the best group i have ever had. from work to socially, its the most genuine vibe i've gotten in a while.
i'm really fucking proud of myself for leaving people behind who didnt care about me.
feels so good.

2004-09-17T10:27:00.000-04:00

i try to grasp the bits of dreams i remember, knowing they mean nothing, but they're almost like experiences i just barely had. so still, i reach for them.

reading journals this morning it occured to me that a lot of men i once considered friends have vanished out of my life completely. people who i genuinely believed in. i'm far from depressed about this, but it makes the analytical side of me wonder about how to tell what's real with people, and what isn't. i keep searching for that authenticity- that amazing spark of energy that makes friendships and connections genuine. I think a lot of these initial connections are of a different type of energy easily mistaken for a real connection. and there's nothing wrong with this whatsoever. people are looking for specific things in life, and if they don't find what they're looking for, it simply may not be worth their time to hold on to anything else. as a person however, it gives me a certain sense of being devalued.

ive gotten harder.
i suppose i should feel regretful about this, but instead i feel relieved that the next time someone tries to play me i have some hope of defending myself.

2004-09-16T08:02:00.000-04:00

please do not stad!

I'm sorry i didnt call anybody last night-after days of not getting enough sleep i went to bed around 7 pm and slept until now(6 am!) As you all know if you saw the news the hurricane turned and hit Alabama instead of us. We are safe.
Thank you so much everyone that called and looked out for me and my family.

2004-09-14T01:19:00.000-04:00

weighted scales

the first conversation that really hurts.
a heart like a rock afterwards.
such painful things pointed out.
you thought i appeared stupid. other people have thought it too.
i hate people. i hate them. i hate them trying to merge lives. because then this happens.
i'm so filled with hatred sometimes i dont know how it even gets inside me.
you point out the pain ive experienced like i love it. like i cling to it. do i?
i thought i only tried to look back to learn from it. only held it to try to understand.

i dont want to fight about my seriousness anymore.
this is it. its me. im not sorry i am alone on this. i refuse to ever be made to feel like an idiot by people again.
instead of another person saying to me, "why do you take everything so seriously?"
I want to ask all of them," why are you so motherfucking shallow? why cant actions and words hold meaning? why cant you be touched by whats around you? why is profound experience so shunned by you? why you you all such a tremendous lot of fucking douchebags?"

i've tried so hard to cultivate this inner path for myself...and i know it isnt wasted. but at this moment my frustration is so total that it feels like i've gotten absolutely nowhere. i feel i've learned nothing at all about being wise, and being human, and all i really am is a messy pile of shuffled papers.

2004-09-13T19:36:00.000-04:00

no data

sometimes, shit just happens. things overload and unexpected events arise. my brain floods. and what happens in this event is that i turn off my phone, shut off the world and try to work through whatever is going on. some people would consider it selfish. for me, it's simply self preservation.

i would like to thank those friends who always understand that sometimes i need to disappear, isolate, dig. and if i dont pick up the phone, they realize that i will get back to them soon enough. and they dont sweat it. these are the people for whom friendship is not conditional. they know what i need.

and for those special ones that dont. fuck off.

2004-09-12T13:01:00.000-04:00

what a wild, insane weekend.
i'm still struggling to catch up with sleep which is still determined to elude me....
last night was fun at the Dervish....record release party for the Faint.
i had garren, westly, susan, elizabeth, matt, cynthia and a slew of other people that i love all around me, all having a great time. if i could have warped the people i love in San Francisco here, it would have been perfect.
i have some big things going on in my head. struggling to work them all out.

2004-09-10T02:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Snatch-lett-

I officially hijaked your blog tonight.

My one fear is that I may have lost all your old comments.

I am willing to take the consequences for this mishap. I'll assume the position when the time comes (read: Thanksgiving).

Till then.

Best Regards,

The Ass Pirate

2004-09-09T23:11:00.000-04:00

there's cajun flavor in me yet

life always has more unexpected firsts in store for you.
for instance, i would never have expected myself to totally jam out to zydeco, but tonight i did. my job amazes me sometimes. how is it that i get paid to eat, have a great time and be with people i love to be with?
i felt wonderful dancing.

i watched the guests dance. they were scientists and astrologists. and they were partying their asses off. the joy was infectious. they were clumsy and silly, some of them dancing riduculously, and it was absolutely beautiful. and i was so glad that i was there to see it.

my life is bookmarked, it seems, by a dividing point that only i can identify, of an unhappier past and a happier present, and i often find myself peering back into the windowpanes and seeing this old history, and the perspective is so different now that i've moved past it. i listen to people around me, some of them people i once felt so much about, and i hear nothing but the emptiness of their personalities, the powerful pull of their self centeredness. it amazes me that i ever hoped that these people would love me or give me anything i needed. the thing that sticks out at me most of all is how these people take stabs at the relationship i'm in-the need to hurt anything solid in the lives of others. it scares them. their blindness and selfishness has become part of them. clarity of spirit is not an option.

Postscript-I want to know whose answers are whose on my quiz, dammitt.

2004-09-08T21:22:00.000-04:00

oot

thanks to the otter pussymonster i may get a remodel.
jen please teach me to link people's blogs so that lovely adjective could have been a direct link to you.

also from her blog i stole a quiz. it is down below on the right and is quite dir-tay. but what else would a quiz on MY blog be about? meteoric calcite study?

i need josh hallmark back.

2004-09-06T20:41:00.000-04:00

disclaimer:not quite suicidally goth.

on the other hand, really, really frustrated and sad.
the only answer i can come up with for this recent turn in my emotions is the medicine i take.
it is true that since i started to take the higher dose of these antidepressants, instead of feeling better, i felt more irritable and it seemed like none of the symptoms helped by the 10 mg dose were helped by the 20.
then, the last week or two has just been like the one day a month i feel like killing everyone and everything. except it's gone on and on.
the only thing i can think of is. stop taking pills.
not cold. i know not to do that.
but i can't handle it. i've been irritable and angry beyond my ability to cope. for no reason whatsoever. ready to pick fights at a moment's notice. even saying cutting things, picking out intentional weaknesses, cutting feelings with a savage sort of enjoyment.
i hate this me. i hate hate hate.
i don't know what else to do. i have to do something.
i promised myself i would not take anything pure in my life for granted.
and now i'm doing something i consider to be worse.
i feel like the best thing i could do would be to shut myself up in a little box.
senseless, plus; they dont make little boxes that people fit in.
well, coffins.
this is not supposed to be goth, dammitt.

2004-09-05T10:07:00.000-04:00

im like whoa

the fucking dreamsi have when i'm premenstral.i SWEAR.

last night's tidbits include:

*seeing a huge tornado directly outside the window of a house i was in, running into the next room and mysteriously escaping harm

*sitting in a darkened room on the floor with a group of people. on the floor is a metal bowl of water with bugs in it

*looking in the mirror and discovering that the bottom left half of my face is covered with pimples; i count 17 in one place. on my chin is a huge swelling that looks like some weird tumor. i run to my mother for examination

who needs drugs when you've got hormones?

i woke up with le headache tremendous. i'm going to lay on my face-maybe i'll hallucinate some masturbating flying yaks, or something.

2004-09-03T02:20:00.000-04:00

typhoon

i dont know where to begin on these ideas.

there's been something wrong, not directly triggered by any outside means but rather some inner thing set off within me. i've tried to chalk it to moodiness but i feel it's deeper than that.

the most dangerous thing about me is my irritability. find out how to trigger it, and there's a major problem. like any good taurus, ill try to swallow it for as long as i can. until im on the verge of snapping your spine. i feel sorry for people on the other end of this, because there's no specific set of guidelines.
tonight i realized that sometimes when i have no fears with people and i know i am accepted completely, there comes a point after the happiness of this acceptance that i become irritated. i snap at tiny things. i look at those people through an ugly lens. and tonight i wonder if that irritability comes because i think people who love me are stupid for doing so. and i know this is a code i have to crack. it scares me to think that im more comfortable chasing the love of people who cannot give it.

most of all i want to shake it and go back to the easy calm of a few months ago.

on a lighter note, Pizza Rolls at 2 am are absolutely fucking FANTASTIC.

2004-09-02T11:11:00.000-04:00

haiku challenge, ya whores

i'm at work, tired because i didnt get enough sleep.
i bitch about it to elizabeth.
in return , she writes the quote of the week
(which this week, i suppose, is the haiku of the week)

Colette the zombie
Still makes work look hella good
Sexes up the place

please respond with your haikus-
i think this is a good exercise for all my wonderful, psychotic little friends.

2004-09-01T23:51:00.000-04:00

phew

class was great.
im tired as fuck.
tomorrow's the last day before my 4 day weekend.
i feel totally overbooked.
another update later when im not a zombie.

quote of the day:
"I wanna lick my own parts"
-Jen

2004-08-31T10:38:00.001-04:00

fists

i dreamt of him. it's been a while since i did.
i dreamt i forgave him. which horrifies me. it made me angry.
he acted as he always did and i was flooded with compassion. it had that feeling of picking up exactly where we left off, everything that was familiar back in a moment. every defense and wall dissolved.
i woke up so, so angry.
how dare you. how dare you even come near me. and worse of all, i let you-without hesitation.
i want to put an ocean between myself and these diseases of the past.
i wonder how interconnected they are with the intense anger and irritability i feel for no reason.
it's driving me crazy. why am i like this?

2004-08-30T14:08:00.000-04:00

i've been very irritable lately.
i don't know what it is, but i'm disappointed. i thought sure a higher dosage of antidepressant would help; instead, i seem worse. garren's noticed and he asked if it had anything to do with him, which makes me feel worse because he's amazing and i don't want anything i do to make him feel bad. the weather's really getting to me. the only time i feel calm is when it's raining.
the happiness of living i felt when i was in san francisco has slipped away. today all i feel is the daily tread of my life. i know the only difference is a mindset, not the location. there was a point earlier this year that i was doing better, i know-i don't know what happened to it or what i had going that was working.

i feel clueless trying to come up with a solution. the only thing i can think of is that i should do something radically different and see what might happen. i don't know what that ought to be however.

2004-08-27T11:29:00.000-04:00

JESUS HOLY LORD CHRIST WHAT A FAG

HE THINKS HE'S PETER FUCKING PAN

That shit is FUNNY.

2004-08-26T14:48:00.000-04:00

"and i fear
i have so much to give
i have so much to lose."

-Fear, Sarah McLachlan

Last night Garren and I watched Gia, the story about Gia Carangi, an amazingly gorgeous supermodel in the early 80's who died at 26 of AIDS after using heavy amounts of drugs, especially heroin. Angelina Jolie played her, making it even easier for me to be completely mesmorized by a very intense story. Reading more about her life this morning, it seemed the motivator of everything she did was a childlike and tremendous fear. As I become older it becomes more evident to me that this fear is what makes people do all kinds of things-everything from brave chances to sad escapes.

As usual the story hurt me. Lately a lot of things hurt me. I feel more empathic than I ever have before, absorbing pain and joy in equal parts. It can be friends, strangers, or characters that don't even exist in real life....and i still get *something* from them. I just feel a lot. And I'm starting not to mind so much.

I start class Saturday. And I'm still nervous.

2004-08-25T12:38:00.000-04:00

I'd make a great PARENT!HAHAHAHAH!

i hadda take the quiz, courtesy of Hallmark.

here's my results:

"You are a XPIG--Expressive Practical Intellectual Giver. This makes you a Catch.

You are a magazine-cover, matinee idol dreamboat. Parents love you and want to set you up with their kids. However, first dates are tough because it takes time for your qualities to come out.

You are generous and kind. You think first and act later. You are cool in a conflict, but your practical side means if your partner throws out emotional appeals ("why can't we do what I want for a change?") they will grate on your nerves, even when the conflict is resolved.

You're a romantic. You enjoy the thrill of the hunt, and you don't just fall into bed with anyone. You pay close attention to your significant other's needs, and this makes you an excellent lover and partner. The problem is that your friends and lovers may find it so easy to express things to *you* that they lose sight of whether you feel as comfortable with *them*! This doesn't necessarily make you feel under-appreciated -- you're too well-adjusted and self-aware for that -- but you may feel restless. Thus you seek adventure in your life outside the relationship to prove and actualize yourself.

Of all the types, you would make the best parent.

You are coiffed.

Didja see "Big Fish"? 'Cause you're like Ewan MacGregor in "Big Fish."

Of the 2427 people who have taken this quiz, 11.9 % are this type. "

2004-08-25T10:42:00.000-04:00

someone else's heaven

the most detailed dreams, i never can remember completely. i hate it because i'm left with these fragments, trying to assemble them and constantly failing.
a large open building with a giant plaza. there's a lot of running taking place. the movement is japanese animation in style-tremendous speed and huge jumps. there's a staircase on the left far end of the building. when you try to go up it, it ends in a ceiling. there's a way to unlock this staircase and get up onto the next floor. once or twice i see it out of the corner of my eye, it changing into a functional passage up to the next floor. something is being hidden there, something major. it's myself and a group of people i don't know. we know there's a secret to get up there and that we must find out what it is. a man is in control of the entire building and he doesn't want anyone to know what it is he is hiding. as usual, it all feels epic and big, as if i'm watching some movie i've accidentally become a part of. near the end, we discover the secret of the stairs. somehow they know we've found out and we have to fight. everything becomes chaotic-the plaza is jammed with people.

i wake up dazed-my alarm goes off while im still dreaming. i feel groggy and lost 2 hours later. hope it wears off soon.

i miss the beauty of San Francisco. the few days i've been back here i've tried to find something i still admire here, and i've failed. i know it's lovely here, and i know i've met some of the most amazing people of my life here. the hipness and energy of SF, however, just struck a chord in me. i realized my depression is at it's worst in the summer here-the heat makes me miserable-and how uplifted i felt by the cool weather. when we had breakfast at Frjtz, sitting in window eating crepes and listening to what sounded like a live DJ spinning beats upstairs, it seemed like the difference between just breathing and *living*. and that's probably because it was my style. many people's style is to eat beignets at Cafe Du' Monde while listening to the nearby saxaphone, and in reality it's the same thing as what i experienced and loved. someone else's heaven.

2004-08-24T00:54:00.000-04:00

Come in the pretty

i changed to rosy pinks. wheee.

i'm so fucking restless and exhausted. i know i need to go to sleep but at the same time i have hours of things to go through in my head and my heart.

i'm beating the hell out of myself trying to figure out what to do about a situation involving love, fear, and a bunch of other undefinable emotions. this is where my taurean stubborness shows, as i fight for what i think is right. but does my every worry have the right to become a battle? does every wrong that any person i ever loved did to me come back when this particular chord is struck? will i become the person laying down the law, following in the footsteps of the people that have laid it down for me? i don't want that. i feel like my feelings are eating everything here. how to defend myself from that seizing torrent in my ribcage...what can i do? so many people have held me back. i can't hold back a person i love from doing something that i hate. it's not my decision.

i feel sometimes that there's something wrong with me that no medicine can fix.

2004-08-23T20:07:00.000-04:00

In the VIP area

Jen, can you believe this is the chick saying "Motherfuckers are so nice"???
I thought she'd be 7 feet tall,platinum white blonde, and have frightning Swedish cheekbones. Kind of like a white Grace Jones with a big axe.
The track I'm speaking of is "Frank Sinatra", by Miss Kittin & the Hacker, and was basically the theme song of my San Francisco weekend.
I'm too tired to even begin now. Let's just say my whole world has pivoted on it's axis, and I have a whole lot to process. But I'm pretty sure that things here in my sweaty, dirty little city will never be the same again.

Anyway, more later. Must clean obsessively now.

2004-08-16T17:39:00.000-04:00

Which "Kill Bill" character are you? by Feldhaus
First Name
Last Name
Drink of choice
Weapon of choice
How many people have you killed?
You are:

Quiz created with MemeGen!

2004-08-15T00:16:00.000-04:00

i am full of shit. literally.
and only josh can savor-and relish- my humiliation.

so much transpired today. i wish i had some way to traansmit to this thing little snippets of what happens to me as it hits me, so i could communicate them as the impact connects. i always feel it's dissolute later.
i watched the season finale of volume 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which Garren wanted me to watch since it's his favorite show, and i've gotten pretty absorbed since. there was an unexpected turn of events-i had a vague idea of what might happen, but i didn't see the total picture coming. i felt a tremendous emotion at what these characters went through, specifically Buffy, who is the type of strong, yet conflicted female figure i most identify with. in my life i focus a tremendous amount of energy on my strength-not physical, but mental and emotional-and each day i live, i hope to grow stronger. i watched as Buffy was given back something she loved absolutely-and then killed it because she had to do so. and the strength of this sad act landed in my stomach like a ton of bricks. as i drove to work i could not wipe it out of my mind-this amazing act of strength, as sad as it was. could i ever be that terrifically strong? i was sure i never had. i wasn't sure i ever could be, or for that matter, would ever be put in such a dramatic situation. but in real life, children have to make the decision to shut off their parents' life support systems, mothers have to bury their sons, and lovers bear the burden as they watch their partners die-like the partner that my boss Ken lost only a few years ago. could i ever know such strength?

at work Nancy and I talked about a lot. i realized how much i liked her. it's funny that at first i wasn't sure that i would. she's the quintessential bitch-and just who i wish i was. as she opens up i see a woman i like more and more. she has a friend who, it seems, is empathic. i relate to this because i've experienced it-although in a much gentler form than her friend, who seems to be experiencing some kind of energy surge in relation to the pain of people she is very close to.
so often i feel useless because i cannot grasp specific things about myself-what i am naturally good at, for instance. hearing this story made me think about the strange empathic experiences i have had- i wondered if they had more of an application on life beyond just being a momentary curiousity. Although my life as a psychic aint about to happen anytime soon.

the weather is gorgeous. it's cool.
i'm going out. i want to dance all night.

2004-08-13T11:23:00.000-04:00

Fuck Bank One.
And for that matter, fuck putting your money in a bank.
From now on I'm just going to put all of it in a little hording box so I don't have to deal with bullshit like hundreds of dollars disappearing and then hundred dollar bounce fees to fine you for the money you know you had in the first place.

Not pleased.

2004-08-12T15:06:00.000-04:00

I've decided to conquer my bad mood, I must generate POSITIVE ENERGY!

2004-08-11T15:10:00.000-04:00

...and sleep in a nest of flames

The last few days have just been a big ball of what the fuck. Yes, I appreciate everyone looking out for me, but the truth is, if I had it my way today, I would be shooting people out on the street for fun. Just for my own selfish amusement. Condemn me, I know.

So after a month of working on special events, getting behind it, and trying my utmost to conquer my stupid fears that i'm not really good at anything, my boss has decided that Special Events is too slow to really need my assistance and that I'm being transferred and trained to assist our internet guru, Todd. I like Todd so this is ok...but I'm disappointed to be leaving Special Events, especially working with Nancy who I was eager to learn from. On top of this I just feel tossed like a good salad. My bosses like me and are trying to help me and keep me useful, instead of letting me go because things are slow. And I am thankful, because I don't want to be out of a job. But fuck, a girl needs a little stability.

I went home and dreamt about people shooting up heroin.

Things with the family are bad. They're a nervous wreck because my aunt and cousin are coming to visit. Thankfully they are arriving today, so at least the pre-arrival freakiness is ending, which is good because I feel like killing all of them. I'm really sad that I feel like this because I love my family, but I feel like I can't get along with them anymore whatsoever. They're very needy, which I hate inherantly and try my best to cope with. If it's genuine needs I don't mind it, but they add in this overdramatic act of helplessness which is utterly unnecessary and makes me want to-surprisingly enough-stab them in the face. I'm seriously contemplating a psychotic episode. I can't wait to get the fuck out of town at this point. These antidepressants I'm taking which are supposed to reduce my irritability aren't quite doing the job.

Things will get better. They have to.

2004-08-10T10:13:00.000-04:00

occupational hazards

I haven't talked to Jonathan in over a week. Yesterday I called him and when he returned the call, it somehow blew up into a big conversation about why the relationship didn't work. I was blown away by his power to pull me back into the past-the person I was surged back like it had never been gone. I felt useless, stupid, always wrong because I was always blamed, and completely vulnerable. I was angry again at this life I spent trying to make selfish people happy, giving them so much more than they deserved. And I was angrier still that I could still be hurt by him now, in the new life I'm trying to build. I hope so much that I'm getting somewhere. I think the worst grudge I hold is against myself.

I struggle with conflicting views on specific topics-I was tested yesterday and found that I did not do very well. I tend to think of myself as open minded; but when challenged on certain things, I feel very inflexible. I do believe that people should live their own lives and make their own choices, and I don't judge them. Bring in a person I care about, mix their conflicting views with mine, and there trouble begins. It seems to be topic specific. If it involves alcohol and drugs, occupational choices that are questionable(yes, I don't approve of crack whores, amazingly), or emotional abuse to oneself, I get concerned and disturbed. Maybe I don't know how to keep a healthy distance from other people's business. I have no problem with my own personal feelings on these topics, but I do feel that getting upset because other people aren't in sync with me isn't ok. With Jonathan, the fight was always about pot and his overuse of it. Looking back, I feel if I wasn't able to deal with it as a part of his life, I should have simply removed myself from his life instead. That was a extreme case though. I feel like in lesser cases of this conflict, I need to learn to deal differently.

I've been feeling quiet and irritable for a couple of days. School's coming soon and I'm starting to feel scared about it again. I think the best thing for the week I have my period would be a pill I take that puts me to sleep for the first 3 days of it. Then there's no irrational depression that I don't know how to deal with.

2004-08-09T10:16:00.000-04:00

i just had total deja vu,-sitting at my desk on an overcast monday morning, opening the Special Events software we use every day-and BAM, I remembered that I had seen this moment years ago, and had even been aware of the fact that I was older in the flash. Not remembering it from before, but remembering I had already seen this moment-in the past. What is that?

finding out strange little details about myself, reflected off of the people around me.

it's overcast today, hard to get out of bed with a lovely grey day and sprinkles of rain falling all around me. everyone's very quiet in the office. everything inspires a nap.

i'm leaving for San Francisco a week from thursday. i can't believe this. it seems very unreal. it's also an experience much needed. i haven't traveled in a long time, even only for a weekend. i'm looking so forward to it. i have no idea how to pack. also, i desperately want to go shopping for vacation clothes. as if i need to do this.

2004-08-02T11:13:00.000-04:00

What dreams may come

I dreamt of my cousin Cory and his upcoming visit with my aunt this month. When she initially arrived and I asked to see him, she pointed me into a room where I saw the three year old boy I remembered. He was playing and talking the way that a three year old talks-that sense of self that has it's own realm of existance eminating loud and clear. Later I came back into the room (at this point it was my living room) and saw the 16 year old Cory: a young, handsome man in a plaid shirt, playing the acoustic guitar. He was very attractive, and I remember this causing some odd emotions in me. Very excited to see me. All I could do was shake my head and say, "I was 10 years old the day you were born..."He looked at me with glowing eyes, and I wondered what I had ever done to leave him with an impression he remembered since his childhood.

Saturday was a good day. I spent the evening with Lani and Jill and watched X Men which I really liked. I wish I had read these legendary comic books, rather than learning their stories by way of Hollywood, even though the movie was good. Sunday Wes and I mostly spent playing City of Heroes, which to me was the ideal way to spend my time off. I realized getting dressed this morning that I've had stacks of books and movies lying around unwatched, because I'm really absorbed with this game.

Garren's been gone for four days. I wasn't sure what it would be like. It hurts, but not in a sharp way. It's a soft ache that sort of lies just underneath the surface of my skin. I miss him in flashes, his smile, the way he talks too fast when he's excited to tell you something, the pure tone of his energy. The truthfulness. At this point in my life I'm a glutton for this truth-after all the lies that I've been told and that I've told myself-there's no such thing as too much honesty. This thing about energy: as I get older I start to get a clearer read on people through the energy they project out, at me, at others around them. I've been sick in the presence of too much negative, while in positive energy I flourish. I crave different kinds of things than I used to. This is a more authentic self than I have ever known before. It's wonderful.

2004-08-01T21:19:00.000-04:00

White chocolate Kit Kat is back.
And eating one is the equivalent of having sex with the Lord himself.

That's all for today.

2004-07-30T08:51:00.000-04:00

"I think we should throw feces on his front porch. That really should make you feel much better, and it'll be fun, too!"
-Alicia about what we should do to someone who has pissed me off

2004-07-29T10:18:00.000-04:00

lately this thing's been happening-i get off work(and mind you, most days i sit at my desk a large portion of the day, not an extremely strenuous activity), go home, do a few things around the house, and then settle down to either read or watch a movie. And before 9 pm, i'm sound fucking asleep. ten hours plus. it happens once about every other week. and it's freaky. i know i had been tired the last few days, but in a way it kind of sucks. i have little free time as it is, and then to spend it sleeping seems just kind of wrong somehow. i had weird dreams again but don't remember a single one.

i'm going to San Francisco on the 19th. it's hard to swallow. i always have a hard time grasping that i'm going somewhere until i'm actually on the plane. travel is magical for me. i always feel that type of movement is a time where the soul is suspended, away from all the familiar, and there's so much room for the absorption of one's entire timeline. i'm going to miss my first saturday class, and i wish i wasn't. but i'm going to be with one of my best friends, and i can't wait.

two twelve hour days, coming right up! whee!